That said, they're still medications with side effects, and a lot of guys don't think of it. It's about as close to a cure as we can get. People are living 40-plus years with HIV because the meds we have now are so advanced that you can pretty much live a normal life on them. The answer is nowadays they're not as afraid as they used to be. "That was my mom's #1 concern when I came out to her (she grew up in the 1980s when it was a big deal). In spaces where I’ve met and chatted with queer elders, there are so so few men in their 60s, compared to women.
It’s still there as part of our history though. It’s different to fear something that your parents and grandparents had to endure than something you’ve seen the horrors of yourself. I don’t know anyone personally who died of AIDS. I didn’t know what AIDS was until 1999, and I didn’t understand the connection to being gay until maybe middle school (so around 2005 or so). Another thing that affects it: The population of queer men is getting younger. Still though, I’ve talked to people who say they would never sleep with someone who was HIV+, even with protection and even if they are undetectable (the meds are working so well that you test negative even knowing you're HIV+). It can even be the case that modern meds can suppress your viral load so far that you’re effectively not able to transmit to someone else. "There’s a lot less fear but still a lot of stigma, if that makes sense? Like, there are really good meds available now, and HIV is very far from a death sentence (in the US, at least). It drives me insane sometimes because people often only think of relationship experience through a 'heteronormative lens.' For instance, my brother saying, 'Well, it must not have been a serious relationship since you never introduced him to the family,' is harmful because it takes no consideration for the real lived experience of an oppressed minority."
So when I’d tell my family about him, and try and explain why we didn’t take photos together, just photos of ourselves at the same places, they thought I was making up an entire relationship. I also wasn’t able to introduce him to my family out of his fear of somehow being outed by accident. "My longest relationship was 13 months, and I never met his family because he wasn’t, and still isn’t, out. I've gotten better about doing it anyway." " I wish I could hold my husband's hand when we're in public without having that anxiety that someone will start being an asshole to us. "Is he the man I want to be with, or simply the man I want to be."